Baby making and other TMI

Mar 14, 2016 by

Baby making and other TMI

“It will happen if you just relax.” –The Librarian

Hellllloooo entire world! Allow me to, yet again, share too much information about my personal life and baby making practices with the entirety of the internet. Bare with me.


 

I went to the library. You know, the place where you can check books out, read them and return them. The place that is supposed to be silent. The place where no one is supposed to chastise you in loud, judgmental voices.  I was balancing a precariously tall stack of books about fertility in one arm and digging for my library card with the other.  In this moment I secretly (not-so-secretly) wanted to drop said stack of books on her pointy little head.

If that were the case, hand me a margarita and come screw me poolside baby! I’ll show you relaxed!

But on a serious note, the process of deciding to start a family and the emotional turmoil of not being able to when we want to, is exhausting. It’s heart breaking. It’s hard. Obviously, Madame Librarian, I do not want your advice.

I had already avoided the pitying stares of the women in the children’s book section, which tragically hysterically ironically is located directly next to the child-rearing how-to section, which in turn, houses the tombs on fertility, or my lack thereof.

It tests your patience you know? What with the waiting month after month and the single pink line when you’re hoping for two. Librarians who think they’re know-it-alls can certainly keep their opinions to themselves. And they should…because I’m hormonal and cranky.

It’s not that I don’t already have enough children. Fifty-six, 12 year-olds, in my 7th grade classroom should be enough for any one woman to handle. They fulfill my need to parent. They make me smile and make me crazy, but that doesn’t stop me from checking my calendar and counting days and keeping lists. It doesn’t stop me from tracking temperatures and vitamin schedules and watching my diet. And it also doesn’t stop the twinge of disappointment. It doesn’t waylay the tiniest bit of envy I feel at the pregnancy announcements and baby announcements dotting my fridge and monopolizing my Facebook feed.

There are days when we talk about the reality of starting a family, and we discuss that maybe we aren’t even ready. Maybe we don’t necessarily want to have kids. Maybe we’d be happier without them. Maybe we will just be satisfied being the greatest aunt and uncle ever, but that’s more just us pretending, pretending that we will be okay with it if it isn’t in the cards for us.

It’s the timing part of the whole ordeal that stresses me out the most, and the looming deployment in our future.  Knowing that we have less time than other couples have together makes me jealous, and angry and bitter at the unfairness of it all.Fertility and waiting for God's timing | www.lovetheeveryday.com

It leads me to the little voice in the back of my head that says: you only have two cycles left before he leaves again.

…and the even smaller voice. The quiet and persistent one in the background saying “Will you trust me?

Struggling with relying on and trusting God’s timing has always been a weakness of mine. I wonder if some of the trials of this journey are designed to cause me to lean into him. And so this week, if you’ll help me to pray for patience, pray for me to rely on God’s timing and not my own…. Or bring me margaritas I’d be much obliged.

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Galatians 6:9 And let us not grow weary of doing good, for in due season we will reap, if we do not give up.

12 Comments

  1. Oh girl, I feel you. Anytime someone even hinted that I should relax I was ready to pop them. It just doesn’t work like that….it was after several rounds of Clomid and having internal ultrasounds on a month basis…which isn’t exactly relaxing.

    I’ll be praying for you and your husband. Infertility is no joke and it comes with a lot of uncertainty. Leaning on one another and Jesus is the only way I survived.

  2. Ugh, those insensitive comments can be so frustrating when you are struggling with infertility! It’s such a lonely rollercoaster to be on, and yet, others often feel that they have the right to speak into the situation in very careless ways. I’m so sorry you had that unfortunate interaction. Hold tight to your faith…thanks so much for sharing!

  3. Beautiful post. My husband and I haven’t started trying yet, but I was talking to a co-worker about trying the other day. She told me the same thing the librarian said; just relax.

    • Ugh. If only it were that easy! Best wishes when you do decide it’s the right time to start a family! <3 Let me know if you need me to put any librarians in their place for you!

  4. You’re in my thoughts and prayers sweet lady. It’ll happen in God’s timing!

    Greta | http://www.gretahollar.com

  5. I’ll say a prayer for you all! People need to just mind their own business!

  6. Ugh. I hate when people put their two cents in. Especially, on something so personal as starting a family. That librarian should not have said that. I’m sorry you’re struggling right now.

  7. Margaritas…I’m pretty sure that is how I got my husband to agree to the first one 🙂 But, yes, it also allows you to relax!

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