My husband thinks I’m fat.

Apr 7, 2015 by

My husband thinks I’m fat.

We had sipped a few glasses of cheap wine, enjoyed an evening of binge watching Netflix and had just climbed in bed. My husband wrapped his arms around me and pulled me close, running his hands slowly along my thigh. I sighed.…and then suddenly: “Babe, you’ve gained a little weight recently huh?”

Who says that?! In wine there is truth I suppose.

I pulled away and faced him fuming: “Are you kidding me?”
Did this mean he no longer found me attractive? Was he disgusted by me? Was I ugly? Did I remember to shave my legs?
I was hurt and I felt ridiculously vulnerable.
His defense was: “Isn’t it my job to be honest with you? You’re still beautiful to me. I love you any way your body changes over the years, but shouldn’t I be concerned about your health? If I don’t tell you, who will?”

And so…my husband thinks I’m fat.

I know that sometimes he says things without thinking. He’s a guy after all. I know he’s not the best communicator. I know that sometimes words come out of his mouth that aren’t exactly what he meant. I also know I love this man. I know he loves me and is attracted to me. I know he has my best interests at heart.

And, Ok. So maybe I know that he is right too. I have gained quite a bit of weight lately. I do weigh more right now than I have ever weighed in the past. I do not exercise effectively and I’m eating things I shouldn’t. Lots and lots of things I shouldn’t.


And so…my husband thinks I’m fat. What do you do about that? Click To TweetWhat to do when your husband tells you you're fat | weight gain in marriage |
But, my brain is that of a middle school girl, in that every time I look in the mirror since that night I hear a voice in my head telling me that I need to lose weight. Not for my health, not for myself, but for him. I’m struggling with the idea that I should be concerned with my appearance because I want my husband to desire me, and that I shouldn’t care what anyone else thinks. That’s right, I said MIDDLE SCHOOL GIRL! I can almost hear those mean girls in the cafeteria chattering away about how I’m not good enough to sit with them. That’s a terrible feeling to acquire from your spouse, the one who is supposed to love you in sickness and in health, in size 6 and in size 10.
How do you balance the ideals of marriage and teamwork and being a good wife, with also being your own person and valuing yourself?

In a google search of “My husband thinks I’m fat” I came across hundreds of women who had heard similar words from their spouses. The difference is that in most of those scenarios their husband was being malicious, mean, and withholding sex because of it.
I think that it is essential for a husband to be honest with his wife. Obviously. For this marriage thing to work, we need to be in a truthful relationship. I certainly tell him when he’s displeasing me in some way, like when his farts smell like rotten cabbage.

But, this touches on pretty much every issue of trust, intimacy, love and communication: the building blocks of our marriage vows. A woman’s weight is usually a taboo subject, but for your spouse to mention it, is it a critique or simply an observation? Should I feel pissed? Or just slightly annoyed?

Proverbs 12:22 reminds us that “Lying lips are an abomination to the Lord, but those who act faithfully are his delight.” God delights in those who are trust worthy, I know this. I know that it’s best to tell the truth…but how much truth?

My husband is not mean, he is simply someone who speaks his mind. So, I’m using this as the motivation to start jogging again. I want my husband to desire me, not to be distracted by a few extra pounds. We had a serious conversation (after I got over the initial shock, anger, and desire to slap him) about our overall health. We have promised to encourage each other’s healthy choices and to make better decisions about health as a family.

I could have reacted more negatively, I could still choose to be angry and offended. But instead I choose to trust my husband, and to know, in my heart, that his words were not meant to be hurtful. My husband adores me, and I respect him, so we move on. I am more careful about moaning and griping about my weight, and he is more tactful in his delivery.

The day he mentions that I perhaps need a boob job though? I might be rethinking the appropriate level of honesty.



Do you feel that it would ever be ok for a man to tell his wife that she is fat? Click To Tweet
So here’s my question: Do you feel that it would ever be ok for a man to tell his wife that she is fat? Is this mean or simply a desire to help his spouse?

It's best to tell the truth, but how much truth? |

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  1. Shelbey

    i needed this so badly I am so blessed to have seen this message today. I am getting motivation to start jogging again too, and eating better.

    • Awesome Shelbey, me too now that the weather is getting nicer! I’m excited to start to be more active, but it’s hard to turn down Oreos! Good luck!

  2. Betsy

    Thank you! I needed this tonight!! My husband told me today that my weight is becoming an issue. I have gained a lot since having my kids and truthful it’s not fair to my husband either. He was also not mean about but with a true concern for my health and life.

    • I know that occasionally things said in truth and with concern can still be hurtful. It’s so hard to wrap my head around those things sometimes. I hope you feel loved and beautiful anyway!

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